prog: (Default)
[personal profile] prog
Moved mom into a retirement facility called Sunbury Village last Saturday. Almost daily since then I have received concerned phone calls or emails about her. Nobody's said the words yet, but I'm getting afraid that they're going to tell me soon that she's just not a good fit for that place, and needs to be moved elsewhere. Finding this place, friendly and affordable and pet-friendly, felt like a miracle; losing it would feel like just another goddamn thing on the pile.

Late night and early morning are the worst times for mom. She's wandered into other residents' rooms, and she frequently says she's looking for her husband. (If corrected, she'll insist that it's her father who recently died.) Their true fear is that she'll wander right off the premises; they're not an alzheimer's facility, so they have no fences or other defenses against that. If they feel that this behavior is imminent, that will be the end of that. There is an alzeimer's-friendly facility literally next door, but its monthly rent is nearly twice as much.

I've caught up quite a bit with the state of mom's finances, and have tracked down her health insurance information and her physician. I've started a conversation about getting her a proper mental-health diagnosis, something she's never had. This is not a thing that's going to happen overnight.

Ricky, who lives a short drive from the home, is very active at helping mom, and because I live four hours away by car, he's basically the agent on the ground. However, he is very hard to steer, and sometimes he feels to me like a loose cannon. Despite my repeated requests to not do it, he's repeatedly taken mom out of the building on day-long errands to do one thing or another. Yesterday he got her a driver's license, a birth certificate copy, and a prepaid cell phone. Today she's off to get a perm, because she needs a perm for the funeral because he said so.

Ricky gets irritable quickly in conversation with me, and the staff have complained to me that he is "stand-offish" to them when they try to give him advice; their stance, as a result, has just been to leave him alone. For his part he tells me that the caregivers' critiques are "bullshit", and generally sees them as obstacles to his care for mom. I get him to agree that mom needs stability and routine and space so that the caregivers in the home can get her settled, and then the next day he borrows her for another five hours.

I've lost my temper at him once over the phone, roaring at him to shut up at a wake-the-neighbors volume of voice.

I haven't been able to work since late April. I work for myself, so this means zero income for me. My credit card is around half-full from our adventures so far. I live four hours away from mom's residence; the many people I speak with are invariably disappointed that the only responsible family member lives so far away.

We still haven't buried dad.

Date: 2013-05-25 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh man, I am so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare, and being the responsible one seems to be it's own punishment. I hope the staff at this place can find a way to make it work with your mom.

I wish there were something I could do to help. I can offer this: if you ever need a break from thinking about this, I'm very good at babbling distractingly about almost anything (or about nothing). And since I'm only tangentially involved in your life, the conversation is less likely to steer back to the big things that are understandably taking up much of your brain power.

Consider this your get-out-of-your-head-free card, to be redeemed at your leisure. Or not at all.

In the meantime, you and your mom are in my thoughts.

Date: 2013-05-27 03:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hang in there, man. Hang in there.

June 2014

1234 567

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 20th, 2017 11:52 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios