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I had an awesome dream that I saw "The Terminator", the first one, and it was horrible. It was so very obvious that the evil robot was actually just a blue handpuppet, which waddled around with mismatched, flappy arms in the ways that handpuppets typically do. It was far more hilarious than menacing, and I wondered how original audiences, despite existing in the less-cyincal 1980s, could have ever found it otherwise.
I stuck around long enough to see it murder someone. It burst into the office of some random executive guy: shot of it with a bright lightsource behind its head, whole angel-of-death thing going on, still utterly ridiculous. The exec screamed like Ned Flanders, which didn't help, and then KSSSH! out the window when he gets shot. (That much was acceptable Hollywood style, at least. All action-movie executives, when gunned down, also autodefenestrate. It is the law.) There were several shots of the still-shrieking exec falling (at least they clearly filmed the actor against a bluescreen, rather than use a mannequin). He finally hits the ground (here switching to a cheap and obvious paper-doll animation with a clearly vocal "splat" sound effect) after a very regrettable scene of a boy on a bicycle noticing blood dripping from the sky, looking up, and quickly pedaling out of the way. I will be sure to reuse this same scene if I ever make an ultra-violent action movie; it will become my cinematic defining moment, for certain.
Finally it is revealed that the Terminator does not disguise himself as Conan the Barbarian, but as Superman And he can fly!!! Except when he does so, his cape goes the wrong way, sticking out in front of him, over his head. That's how you can tell evil-robot Superman from the real one, so remember that. Also, he smells bad. Which we learn when a little girl sees him and smiles (flashback of Superman rescuing her from a conflagration of some variety) but then her nose wrinkles as he passes by and she looks uncertain (flashback of the girl at Girl Scout camp, watching over a comrade who has fallen deathly ill, and is exuding the same foul odor). The girl thinks: Gee, is Superman sick? Should she do something? So clearly she will start to investigate, learn the truth, and become the movie's hero.
I stuck around long enough to see it murder someone. It burst into the office of some random executive guy: shot of it with a bright lightsource behind its head, whole angel-of-death thing going on, still utterly ridiculous. The exec screamed like Ned Flanders, which didn't help, and then KSSSH! out the window when he gets shot. (That much was acceptable Hollywood style, at least. All action-movie executives, when gunned down, also autodefenestrate. It is the law.) There were several shots of the still-shrieking exec falling (at least they clearly filmed the actor against a bluescreen, rather than use a mannequin). He finally hits the ground (here switching to a cheap and obvious paper-doll animation with a clearly vocal "splat" sound effect) after a very regrettable scene of a boy on a bicycle noticing blood dripping from the sky, looking up, and quickly pedaling out of the way. I will be sure to reuse this same scene if I ever make an ultra-violent action movie; it will become my cinematic defining moment, for certain.
Finally it is revealed that the Terminator does not disguise himself as Conan the Barbarian, but as Superman And he can fly!!! Except when he does so, his cape goes the wrong way, sticking out in front of him, over his head. That's how you can tell evil-robot Superman from the real one, so remember that. Also, he smells bad. Which we learn when a little girl sees him and smiles (flashback of Superman rescuing her from a conflagration of some variety) but then her nose wrinkles as he passes by and she looks uncertain (flashback of the girl at Girl Scout camp, watching over a comrade who has fallen deathly ill, and is exuding the same foul odor). The girl thinks: Gee, is Superman sick? Should she do something? So clearly she will start to investigate, learn the truth, and become the movie's hero.