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[personal profile] prog
There's no other way to put it: Mother is actively sabotaging all my attempts to help her. After two days of effort I got her checked back into Sunbury with an Ambien prescription that would get her through her nighttime confusion, glued to my phone as I coordinated nurse, doctor, brother, caretaker and building manager to set everything up. Total victory, right? End of story?

No! Because she refuses to take the pill! And of course she scared another resident at 3 AM last night by pounding on his apartment door while sundowning and out of her mind, the sort of thing she will keep doing every night until they finally toss her out.

I call her up to tell her I hear that she's been having trouble at night lately. Those people are trying to set me up! she says. I tell that her some guy said she wandered into his room. No, she insists, it was he who wandered into her room, and he turned the story around and got the whole building to believe him, and I guess I believe him too and not my own mother. Don't I know that she just lost her husband? How dare I. Forget it, she says, she's done with this place. She's going back home.

Enough. I am not pursuing this path any further. Barring a miracle, mom's not going to live an Sunbury past this month. That's four large down the crapper but whatever; call it money spent on learning just how messed up she is. (Plus the hospital bills, which are of an as-yet unrevealed amount.)

I need to move her into a more secure assisted-living center. There's one next door, and for five thousand more bucks we can gamble with that for a month. That is looking like the most attractive option right now, even though it means accepting a loan (and one that has already been offered) to accomplish.

I'm going to have to get a full-time job to help pay for this; this is beyond what freelancing can pay for, at least until I get other financial helpers set up. I will, for example, sell their house, but that isn't going to happen overnight. But nothing can get done while mom's still in flux, and that includes me working on anything. I could not even start a job so long as I'm still getting woken up daily by we-had-another-incident-with-your-mother calls, each one requiring a full day on the phone dealing with fallout.

I'm in Austin now for a Perl conference, allegedly. Christ.

Date: 2013-06-02 01:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Jason, I was thinking of the McIntosh family on Tuesday when you guys buried your dad. I am praying for the situation with your mother. Holy shit, the Ambien would definitely get her through the night. Yes, I think the more secure assisted living center is necessary. In addition to grieving the loss of your father, you are also having to grieve your mom's decline and that must be so difficult. Thinking of you. (I'm glad you got to your conference in Austin.)

Date: 2013-06-02 02:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks, Jackie. The funeral was actually lovely and meaningful and I passed your good wishes to the gathered family. I will circle back to write about it when mom's not on fire any more...

Date: 2013-06-02 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Waking nightmare.

1) Your mom's medicare/medicaid should cover a good deal of the medical expenses - GET THAT INFO FROM HER ASAP
2) These gov't programs, as you might have been told, usually do not cover longer care
3) You cannot pay for all of it even with a fulltime gig
4) I am happy to introduce you to a recruiter whom I trust if that would be helpful

Date: 2013-06-02 02:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can say at least that the money hasn't all been mine. I drained mom's (very meager) saving's account to pay for Sunbury, and I have secured her ongoing receipt of at least ~$2,000 / month going forward. I also have her Medicare info and have been applying that as much as I can, but that's not applicable to private-pay housing.

Many assisted-living places with beds or rooms available don't accept financial-aid programs (such as MaineCare, the local one). The ones that do typically have long waiting lists. I decided early on that it just wasn't worth waiting. Sunbury was supposed to be her time-being home, but (again, barring very-soon miracles) it all fell apart in just a week when it revealed just how deeply disturbed mom is.

Future income sources include a wartime-vet benefit she can qualify for with her lawyer's help, and the sale of the house. But even with all this there will be gaps to fill, and I am going to need much more financial flexibility/stability than I currently have as a freelancer.

June 2014

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