How much digital autonomy do your kids have?

[prog]

A random question to those with children: how much autonomy do you (or do you plan to) give your kids over their digital identities and accounts - desktop files, email, social networks, et cetera? On the continuum between leaving them be entirely, and having full knowledge of all their accounts and passwords, where do you stand?

I recently blew up at a friend in email over learning that someone (not my friend) wanted to slip into their child's Facebook account so that they could use their friends-list to set up a surprise party. This struck a nerve with me, and I wrote an emotionally fueled reply. Today, in email apologizing for my outburst, I put into words, maybe for the first time, my conviction that one's digital spaces, both local and online, are very literally extensions of the mind. To me, access to your digital identity deserves the same level of sanctity as your personal one. Therefore, another person, no matter who they are or how kind and loving their intentions may be, has no more right to impinge on your digital spaces as they do to examine the thoughts in your head.

But: I didn't grow up in an internet-aware household, and I'm not involved with the raising of any of my friends' kids, so I have no experience in knowing how, or even if, this stance applies to children. I certainly accept that parents must have a great deal of direct control on the lives of their young children and teens, or they wouldn't be very effective parents. So, for my own education, I am genuinely curious how the smart and kid-enabled people I know treat this issue.

Comments

[popecrunch.livejournal.com]

My boy is nine, and he has his own computer and cell phone. The cell phone, which is locked down so it can only make outgoing calls to me, his mom, and 911 and can only receive calls from me and his mom is only in his possession when he needs it (out playing). The computer has a BIOS password along with the Windows password, neither of which he knows. He also does not know the password to his Google account or any of the very few other sites he has logins to (a chess site, a school site). I go through his cell phone's records with him (even though it is technologically impossible* for him to make unauthorized calls) and his web history with him present. Although I do consider digital space to be an extension of physical space, he is not allowed absolute privacy in his physical space as well - he knows that at any time, for any reason or no reason, his stuff can be looked through.

The way I see it: He is nine. He has not yet reached an age where the benefits of privacy outweigh the necessity of guidance. When he has reached a level of maturity consistent with trusting him with more freedom, I'll take off the BIOS password and tell him his passwords / unlock his phone / whatever seems appropriate at the time. He will, however, not be permitted 100% privacy until age 18 (his passwords must be shared with us upon request, etc.), simply because there are certain situations that he could easily get into, mistake or malice, that could have legal ramifications if I or his mother aren't aware of.

THAT SAID, our home isn't a Stalinist state - if he disagrees with a rule, he is completely free to bring a reasoned argument to the table, and there have been a number of times where we've changed rules at his request. I wasn't really raised with a strict disciplinary hand, and uh it took me a little while to figure myself out and I was an oddball and made some Mistakes for a while there. My wife's (grown) children from a previous marriage, however, were raised with strict discipline, and have turned out VERY well as a result. We're already seeing pretty strong evidence in the boy that a strict upbringing is exactly what he needs, so. Other children may flourish more in more freeform environment, so basically everything I just said might be the worst idea in the world for another kid in another situation. YMMV.

*Haha. However, he has not demonstrated hackish tendencies yet, so.