How much digital autonomy do your kids have?

[prog]

A random question to those with children: how much autonomy do you (or do you plan to) give your kids over their digital identities and accounts - desktop files, email, social networks, et cetera? On the continuum between leaving them be entirely, and having full knowledge of all their accounts and passwords, where do you stand?

I recently blew up at a friend in email over learning that someone (not my friend) wanted to slip into their child's Facebook account so that they could use their friends-list to set up a surprise party. This struck a nerve with me, and I wrote an emotionally fueled reply. Today, in email apologizing for my outburst, I put into words, maybe for the first time, my conviction that one's digital spaces, both local and online, are very literally extensions of the mind. To me, access to your digital identity deserves the same level of sanctity as your personal one. Therefore, another person, no matter who they are or how kind and loving their intentions may be, has no more right to impinge on your digital spaces as they do to examine the thoughts in your head.

But: I didn't grow up in an internet-aware household, and I'm not involved with the raising of any of my friends' kids, so I have no experience in knowing how, or even if, this stance applies to children. I certainly accept that parents must have a great deal of direct control on the lives of their young children and teens, or they wouldn't be very effective parents. So, for my own education, I am genuinely curious how the smart and kid-enabled people I know treat this issue.

Comments

[novalis.livejournal.com]

My disjointed thoughts:

When we borrowed a kid (then age 6) for nine months, the first thing we did was bought her an eee. She had previously set up a gmail account, which she had told us the password for (I think she told us for troubleshooting purposes). We never accessed the account except in helping her over-the-shoulder. We expected that when she got worried about privacy, she could change her passwords, and we would simply not worry about it.

Among the excitements of not censoring her online activities was when she discovered Peta's web site for kids, which has some happy fun games and then dumps you into the slaughterhouse videos. She told us all about how cows were mistreated. I asked if she still wanted to eat meat, and she said yes.

When I was a teenager, a friend's parents were known to read her email. So one day, I sent her an email with subject, "Hey [name], great sex last night!," and body, "Hey, [name]'s parents, it's not polite to read your kid's email." They called my dad, who ultimately agreed with me that kids have privacy rights in their email.

[530nm330hz.livejournal.com]

We have not yet given our kids (ages 9 and 6.5) their own computer, cell-phone, e-mail address, or any other personal online space. They are allowed to use the family computer in the kitchen for monitored web surfing.

I expect that later this year we will set up an email account for our nine-year-old, and our plan is to have all email to and from that account be moderated by us. He will be aware of that.

As the children approach their teens, we'll back off and give them some privacy. But for right now, just as we set boundaries on their physical privacy (e.g., no closed bedroom doors when they have friends over), they are not mature enough for us to feel confident with them having electronically private communications or other interpersonal interactions.

If they asked for a private directory on the computer, I'd consider that the equivalent of having a diary, and I'd be willing to grant and respect that.

[radtea.livejournal.com]

Everything is a negotiation, but my kids didn't have e-mail until they had reached sufficiently close to the age of discretion--say 10 or 12--for me not to worry about it too much. They've had e-mail via school that is probably monitored by the school, and for the past couple of years they've had e-mail accounts on one of my servers that I treat as I would any user e-mail account on a machine I'm admin for: absolutely private.

But my kids are now 18 (legally an adult) and almost 16, close enough to adulthood that he could die for his country if he was that-way minded. If kids that age don't deserve the same respect for their privacy that an adult does, I don't know who does. And I think that parents who are concerned with monitoring the online activities of kids in their mid-teens have a screw loose.

I don't have quite the same "digital spaces are an extension of the mind" you do, but I can see where that's coming from.

When younger, my kids had little or no online access without a degree of oversight, in the sense that I was in the same room, generally. The family computers in my house have always been in public spaces and still are. My own desktop machine is in a semi-public space at the moment. The kids have had machines in their own rooms at their mothers for a few years, and I'm fine with that, if that works for them and her.

So I guess I'm comfortable with and understand the need for considerable parental oversight up to the age of 10 or 12, which includes lots of teaching on how to maintain their own privacy and safety online, with parental oversight tailing off pretty quickly over the age of 12.

[radtea.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah: my sister's kids, both girls about the same age as my kids, grew up with similar rules to mine, so I'm pretty sure my attitude isn't entirely a product of my atheistic/liberal outlook on life, as my sister is something of a religious conservative.

Children have no rights only privileges

[taskboy3000.livejournal.com]

Sorry to be a Nazi about this, but as long as I'm legally culpable for my kid's actions and activities (hello, RIAA), I will reserve the right to be as invasive as the old communist party in my kid's online activities.

I can and will track outgoing packets through my router. I will happly break into his accounts if I think that's necessary.

I reserve the right to search and seizure too.

However I rather think that life at the Johnston's will have gone seriously off the rails if I have to do any of this.

Hell, I am not in favor of giving minor's cell phones, let a lone social media accounts.

Re: Children have no rights only privileges

[keimel.livejournal.com]

I think I agree mostly with Taskboy here. At my kids age, yes, they have privileges. Of course, they're only under 10 years old now, so there's not much they do without my knowing about it and yes, I do look at teh web history periodically.

More importantly than their own space at this point, I have tried to start instilling in them the importance of security on things (don't share your password with your friend!) and just barely started into the world of how much information they should provide to others online.

I was recently impressed with a half-sister-in-law that had virtually no identity online that I could google. I was very impressed. Her sister, on the other hand had a myspace space that referenced sexual acts and her preferences in that regard. Yeah, didn't need to know that info. But, thus is my own risk at including their world in mine, I understand.

My concern with the boys presently is their online identities and how they protect their privacy. I want them to know they're allowed to have privacy and as they get older, I'll give it to them. But I'll still reserve the right, as Taskboy mentions, to monitor packets. After all, when they're under 18, they're still MY responsibility. So, I do have to know. But then, I'm also strongly cultivating a relationship of trust between us so that they can talk with me. I hope it keeps working. I hope.

Re: Children have no rights only privileges

[avon.livejournal.com]

My children are all too young for this to be relevant, but as a teacher of high school students, I see the enormous damage that parents can do while "respecting a child's right to privacy". In some cases, the kids get themselves into situations they can not really get out of. In other cases, the kids are the victims of the very real, very nasty digital bullying.

When it comes to a diary or a private space for kids to put their thoughts down - that I believe I is fine. However, blogs, face book and other things that involve INTERACTIONS - that I believe is the parents responcibility to be aware of and to police.

[kahuna-burger.livejournal.com]

Since Henry still needs my help reading things, it's not much of an issue yet, though he has been asking for his own facebook account so that he can start a farm.

I believe in giving children freedom to explore within age appropriate venues. So his level of autonomy will be determined both by age and circumstances. For instance if I could set him up an email account where he could only receive or send emails to a list I set up, I wouldn't particularly feel the need to read those emails. If he was under 12-13 and it was just a regular email account with all manner of spam and only his judgement on what to sign up for, I would be much more likely to check it over regularly. Currently while I let him play online games from a few sites that aren't "kid's sites" but I have a good feel for what kind of games are there, there is one other site that I've told him he cannot play anything but the one game we bookmarked it for, and if I found he was disobeying that there would be steps taken.

I imagine it will be an evolving process depending on the tools at hand and my assessment of his maturity. In principal though I agree that digital privacy is no lesser than any other kind, if he is talking to someone I'm OK with him talking to, I don't need to know exactly what is being said. But under a certain age, I do need to know generally speaking who he is talking to.

[popecrunch.livejournal.com]

My boy is nine, and he has his own computer and cell phone. The cell phone, which is locked down so it can only make outgoing calls to me, his mom, and 911 and can only receive calls from me and his mom is only in his possession when he needs it (out playing). The computer has a BIOS password along with the Windows password, neither of which he knows. He also does not know the password to his Google account or any of the very few other sites he has logins to (a chess site, a school site). I go through his cell phone's records with him (even though it is technologically impossible* for him to make unauthorized calls) and his web history with him present. Although I do consider digital space to be an extension of physical space, he is not allowed absolute privacy in his physical space as well - he knows that at any time, for any reason or no reason, his stuff can be looked through.

The way I see it: He is nine. He has not yet reached an age where the benefits of privacy outweigh the necessity of guidance. When he has reached a level of maturity consistent with trusting him with more freedom, I'll take off the BIOS password and tell him his passwords / unlock his phone / whatever seems appropriate at the time. He will, however, not be permitted 100% privacy until age 18 (his passwords must be shared with us upon request, etc.), simply because there are certain situations that he could easily get into, mistake or malice, that could have legal ramifications if I or his mother aren't aware of.

THAT SAID, our home isn't a Stalinist state - if he disagrees with a rule, he is completely free to bring a reasoned argument to the table, and there have been a number of times where we've changed rules at his request. I wasn't really raised with a strict disciplinary hand, and uh it took me a little while to figure myself out and I was an oddball and made some Mistakes for a while there. My wife's (grown) children from a previous marriage, however, were raised with strict discipline, and have turned out VERY well as a result. We're already seeing pretty strong evidence in the boy that a strict upbringing is exactly what he needs, so. Other children may flourish more in more freeform environment, so basically everything I just said might be the worst idea in the world for another kid in another situation. YMMV.

*Haha. However, he has not demonstrated hackish tendencies yet, so.

[mr-choronzon.livejournal.com]

I'm 30 now and I grew up with computers all my life. We got on the Internet in 1992 (i was 12) and before that was bbs's and prodigy. My parents never controlled anything whatsoever, feeling that i was responsible and furthermore should learn how to live my own life. This was their general philosophy in all things not just computers. Not only did this help me develop into a responsible adult but it gave a feeling of mutual respect with my parents. I respected their privacy as much as they respect mine. They treated me like an adult and so I became one.

It was clear to me that this was the right thing when I got to college and saw all of the stupid things kids from repressive households did once they were free of their controlling parents for the first time. They were the kids getting regrettable cheap tattoos and piercings, doing way too many drugs, sleeping with everyone within arm's reach, etc. I never felt the need to go overboard because I never felt prevented from going overboard.

Back to the internet -- my childhood was in a more innocent time online. There were definitely less predators I think, or at least they were less organized. Hell it was hard to find legitimate stuff, half a decade before google. But there have always been predators in the real world. I think that this is best dealt with through respectful education -- basically just teach your kids how to be safe, responsible people and life is good. It's not rocket science. Mistakes will happen but hopefully they're minor and that's how we learn.